


For yourself

by Synonyms



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: M/M, TW: Suicide, tw: abuse, tw: suicide idealization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-06
Updated: 2016-04-06
Packaged: 2018-05-31 14:27:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6474025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Synonyms/pseuds/Synonyms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaneki's thoughts as he walked along the hallway of Cochlea to Hinami's cell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: SUICIDE, SUCIDE IDEALIZATION, ABUSE, spoilers. Completely unbetaed.  
> [Full poem by Robert Frost here.](http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/171621)  
> 

Click. Clack. Click. Clack.

 _"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep."_ His voice chants in your mind as you drag yourself to the finish line

for Him.

Click. Clack. Click. Clack.

It's silent here save for the sound of your boots on black and white tiles. The hallway is empty. You are alone.

Soon, there won't be any sound left, and you'll get to meet him again. You're going home. You can't help but feel inordinately happy at the thought.

Click. Clack. Click. Clack.

_"But I have promises to keep."_

The comeuppance for the sin of existence is sweet, like honey, like black coffee, just as you ordered, just as you deserve, for you love taking a hit, for you are but a monster.

Click. Clack. Click. Clack.

_"And miles to go before I sleep."_

In times like these, you think of Rize. Will she be sad when you die, or will she slap you like your mother would?

She'll eat you, most likely. The last time you met as Rize the crush and Kaneki Ken, she wanted you to die, and you will, for her, for everyone, for Him, for yourself.

The last time you met as Rize the ghoul and Kaneki Ken, she seemed hungry.

You don't know. In the end, you don't think you've known her at all.

Click. Clack. Click. Clack.

_"And miles to go before I sleep."_

In times like these, you think of Touka. Will she be sad when you die, or will she slap you like your mother would?

She'll slap you, most likely. The last time you met as Kirishima Touka and Kaneki Ken, she told you to never return, and you won't, for her, for everyone, for Him, for yourself.

The last time you met as Touka the :re manager and Sasaki Haise, she seemed happy.

Click. Clack. Click. Clack.

_"And miles to go before I sleep."_

In times like these, you think of Himami. Will she be sad when you die, or will she slap you like your mother would?

You don't know. You don't want to know. Misguided as she is, she genuinely considers you her mother, and it scares you. Her real mother died under your hands, and now her fake mother is going to be killed by you as well, so you try not to think of Hinami at all.

You like to think that she'll slap you and be happy at last.

Click. Clack. Click. Clack.

_"And miles to go before I sleep."_

In times like these, you think of Akira. Will she be sad when you die, or will she slap you like your mother would?

You don't know. You don't want to know. Misguided as she is, she genuinely considers you her child, and it scares you. Her father died under your hands, and now her child is going to be killed by you as well, so you try not to think of Akira at all.

You like to think that she'll slap you and be happy at last.

Click. Clack. Click. Clack.

_"And miles to go before I sleep."_

In times like these, you think of Eto. You have already known what she will do when you die. She told you herself.

An offering of a book to the Bileygr.

A promise of a great death.

A lie of a happy ending.

"Kill the One-eyed King."

The last time you met as Eto the ghoul and Sasaki Haise, she wanted you to die, and you will, if not for her, then for everyone, for Him, for yourself.

The last time you met as Takatsuki Sen the author and Kaneki Ken the reader, she wanted you to be her main character.

You don't know. You don't want to know. Misguided as she is, she genuinely considers you her child, and it scares you. You're not sure if you want to be her child. You're not sure if you want to be her main character. You're not sure if you want to believe in the happy tale she promised to weave out of this unsalvageable tragedy, so you try not to think of Eto at all.

You don't know. In the end, you don't think you've known her at all, for you know her all too well.

Click. Clack. Click. Clack.

_"But I have promises to keep."_

In times like these, you think of yourself. You have already known what you will do, what you want to do, what you need to do, for you are but yourself.

"Eat me."

"I want to show you that there's value in you living."

"Let's go home."

The sweet taste of blood in your mouth.

The memories of Him are dense and hard to wade through, like sewer water, like coffee, like honey, like blood, just as you ordered, just as you deserve, for you love Him, for you are but yourself.

The last time you met as Hide and Kaneki, you wanted to die, so you will, for yourself, for everyone, for Him, for yourself

because you are yourself, because you are selfish, because you are selfish enough to throw away the life He had died to save, because you are selfish enough to decide, all by yourself, without His consent, that your life's value is Him,

because you are yourself.

Click. Clack. Click. Clack.

It's silent here save for the sound of your boots on black and white tiles and His voice in your mind. The hallway is empty. You are not alone.

Inside your mind, there is no sound left, there is nothing left. You are home. You are happy.

Inside your mind, He is here, with you. You are home.

Click. Clack. Click. Clack.

 _"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep."_ His voice chants in your mind as you drag yourself to the finish line

for yourself.


End file.
